Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Lose it!

The good thing about working from home is that it gives me ample time to ponder over the deeper questions of life such as: How do I reduce my bloody weight?

Now I know some of you may say: Anuja, you got it wrong, the question that befuddles us most often is: "What the hell do I order from this menu?" But the majority of you, I know, will either
think that I've read their minds, or
send me spam mail selling fat-burning medicine.

Luckily for those who share my concerns, I have solved this riddle that assails us all in moments of solitude (and also in moments of partying). The answer came to me when flipping through old photo albums from my school days. There I was in all my teen glory: in an over-sized man shirt, with permed hair like Sai Baba's, and hoops in my ears so huge that they showed through my hair and helped you differentiate me (female) from Sai Baba (male).

for reference: Sai Baba

Don't snigger at your conjecture on what I looked like. I mean your conjecture is nearly correct, but understand the context - it was the 1980s and my look was very COOL for that point of time. Remember Madonna in Into the Groove? Or Kylie Minogue in Neighbours? Or Scary Spice in anything?

So what I'm saying is, I was very hot indeed. Yet, surprisingly, appallingly, I had very few admirers. I often wondered why my efforts at decorating myself did not yield even a single valentine's day card, leave alone a boyfriend. But hindsight being the slowpoke it is, it finally came in with the answer after all these years: my friends.

That's right - my so-called friends sabotaged my chances. They, being the pretty girls they were, made me look rather mediocre in contrast. Had I befriended the spectacled nerds I would have surely stood out and bagged loads of bouquets. But skipping next to the girls in mini-skirts, my bell-bottoms stood no chance...

Which brings us to the Big Answer you have all been waiting for. How to become slim and fetching? Just stealthily feed your friends steroids. Or dump them for fatter folks.

Remember the adage? You are known by the company you keep. The fatter your company, the slimmer you're known to be.

Good luck.
[and I'd be happy to refer you to websites selling fattening steroids. Delivery guaranteed!]

Thursday, September 06, 2007

RGV ki $%^$%^$^%#%$ Aag

Contrary to what you may think I'm suggesting from the headline above, Aag is not a stinky dropping of crap.
No. It is an entire Biogas plant. It is a biogas plant with piles so high they could be used to light up the whole of Mumbai.

I know that the cinema lovers among you will still see Aag, irrespective of what I say, because after all it is:
1. RGV
2. Amitabh Bachchan
3. Sholay remake
4. conversation topic
So, I will not bother with a critique and in fact I shall go so far as to recommend it if:
1. you want your girlfriend to get over Devgan
2. you want your boyfriend to get over Sushmita
3. you want your mom to get over Amitabh
4. you want your father to get over insomnia

For the rest, watch at your own peril!