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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Indian ethos explained with cows

Thought it was time we had an India edition for the Cow Series. So here goes:

Maharashtra
You have two cows. Raj Thackrey demands they go back to Bihar because they can't speak Marathi.

Gujarat
You have two cows. A mob sets your house on fire because a politician conjectured you run a beef factory.

West Bengal
You have two cows. They produce no milk. You go on strike because the government won't pay for the milk.

Punjab
You have two cows. They emigrate to Canada and send you money every month.

Bihar
You have two cows. But Laloo Yadav has a lathi. So he borrows them for his son's wedding.

Chhattisgarh
You have two cows. The police arrests them because they are suspected Naxalites.

Delhi
You have two cows. God help the driver who runs them over while they graze on the highway.

Goa
You have one cow. But after all that Feni they begin to look like two.

Orissa
You have no cow. Or food. Or water.

Kerela
You have no cow. But you have a Phd in animal husbandry.

Haryana
You have two cows. They are pregnant. You order an ultrasound to make sure this time they deliver bulls.

Tamil Nadu
Your daughter is a fat cow. A director chooses her to be the heroine in his movie. All men in lungis love her. It's a super hit.


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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Ugly indeed

99 slaps, promises the tagline. And you will feel the pinch of each.

Of course, if you're going to see a movie with a title as sophisticated as Ugly aur Pagli! you do deserve to be thumped on the head for 2 hours straight. Which is exactly what the movie delivers.

The stars of the movie are two decidedly uncool people. One is an engineering student repeating the same class for the 4th year, aka Kabir. The other is more or less an alcoholic, aka Kuhu. They meet, fall in love (but remain platonic), separate (but their love remains alive), they meet again (corny set-up) and then its happily ever after.

With this storyline for inspiration, I don't know why Ranvir bothers to act with sincerity, but he does. Meanwhile Mallika goes around prancing and slapping like a spoilt bitch, which is totally acceptable because she went through such a huge personal trauma that she drinks as much as Devdas only with less poetic effect.

It is unclear who's playing Ugly and who's Pagli. The movie cover suggests that Ranvir is the unattractive half of the duo. However, given that he falls for a tequila-infused dominatrix who puked in front of him the first time he met her, suggests otherwise. Similarly, Mallika's character may be crazy, but what really catches your attention is her hairstyle consisting of two ponytails, passe bangs and cascading hair all occuring together on her head at the same time, all the time.

On the plus side, the music is dud so you get plenty of opportunity to fast-forward the DVD and finish the ordeal a little sooner.